Dance the Chicken Dance
by IcecreamSyndrome
Summary: Fifteen-year-old May Haruka is afraid of Pokemon, like any sane person would be. The problem? Everyone around her has gone insane! With a Gym Leader father, weird neighbors, and a somehow human starter Pokemon, how's a girl supposed to survive in this crazy world? Just keep dancing... (A rather bizarre adaption of the Hoenn Games, mostly based on Pokemon Emerald)


**Disclaimer! **I hereby state that I, in no way, shape, or form, own Pokemon, or anything else that I may reference over the course of this fanfic. All credit to the original owners.

Author's notes: With Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire out for about a month now, I've decided to celebrate by taking the region of Hoenn and turning it on its head. There will be randomness. There will be insanity. There will be just about every crazy thing I can come up with. If you're prepared for all of that, then I present to you…

Dance the Chicken Dance

Chapter 1: It's a Mad World

Fifteen-year-old May Haruka had never wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer, but as the Gym Leaders kid, it was expected of her that one day she would follow in her father's footsteps. Truthfully, she was afraid of Pokemon. After all, how could one watch a giant dragon beat the crap out of its opponents, destroying everything with heat and fire, and not feel the tiniest bit uneasy? And then there was the way the Pokemon looked at her, eyes glowing with intelligence. Back when she'd lived in Johto, she'd spotted a Sentret one day, and when it looked at her with those deep, intelligent eyes, she'd done the only thing a sane person would do: she screamed. Her mother of course had tried to consol her, telling her that it was just a Pokemon, after all, but she hadn't listened. Pokemon were supposed to be like animals, right? No, no animal had _those _eyes.

The only Pokemon that didn't make her feel uneasy was Torchic. After her father had sent over a Torchic doll during a trip to Maulvile, she'd fallen in love with the adorable creature; so small and cute and harmless, and everyone always said that Torchic were so nice to hug. So she'd made up her mind: if she were ever going to have a Pokemon, that Pokemon would be Torchic.

"Ah, here we are, Little Root Town!" Mrs. Haruka announced, admiring the quiet little town and its friendly, carefree atmosphere. "I'm so sorry you had to ride all the way here in the moving truck, it must have been so tiring!"

"Tiring? More like uncomfortable!" May sighed, popping her neck and rubbing her stiff muscles.

Her mother sighed. "I know, but things are tight right now. It really is difficult moving all of your things to a whole other region! Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't forget anything!"

"Like the TV?" May asked, a sly grin on her face.

"Oh no! Was it in the truck? Oh, I do hope we didn't forget to bring it-"

"Mom, relax! I was only kidding!" May cried, trying to calm her frantic mother. "Its there, all right. Fell on my head twice on the way over!" she laughed, rubbing her head in fake pain.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! I knew we should've-"

"Kidding again," May sighed, begging to wonder if she should just stop talking. "Why don't we check out the house?" she offered, hoping to set her mothers mind on something else.

"That's a wonderful idea!" Mrs. Haruka laughed, instantly brightening. "Don't worry, the movers Pokemon will take care of bringing in our things and cleaning up afterwards. Isn't that convenient?"

_Pokemon movers? _May shuddered, hoping that they were at least something small, like Pidgey or Rattata. An image of fifty Rattata scurrying all over their new house popped into her head, causing her to shiver uncontrollably.

"Now May, I've told you there's nothing for you to be afraid of! Pokemon are our _friends, _honey!"

Uncertainly, May nodded, and followed her mother into the house.

As it turns out, the movers Pokemon were most definitely _not _Rattata, but rather, Vigoroth, one of the Pokemon her father owned. Still, despite seeing it so many times on TV, May couldn't get her heart to stop pounding.

_Get a grip, May,_ she told herself, staring down at the hardwood floor. _Its only Pokemon, its only Pokemon, its only-_

Her train of thought was interrupted as she accidentally bumped into one of the working Vigoroth, the Pokemon turning towards her, a large cardboard box clutched within its sharp claws.

"Vigoroth!" it cried out enthusiastically, shifting the box to one arm and offering her a wave of its paw.

"Ahhh!" May screamed, dashing off upstairs as quickly as she could, causing the Pokemon to tilt its head to the side in puzzlement.

"Do you want to talk about it?" her mother asked, finding her sitting with her head on her knees between the two upstairs bedrooms.

May shook her head, tears threatening to well up in her eyes. Once she got her Torchic, Pokemon wouldn't seem so scary, she was sure of it. Straitening up, she adjusted her emerald green bandanna and put on her best smile.

"So, can I see my room now?"

Her mother nodded, and led her to the first room on the right. It was simply decorated, with only a bed, a TV, and a plain pink rug, but then again, they hadn't had time to unpack any of her Pokemon dolls yet. Glancing at the wall, she noticed a simple analog clock, although it didn't seem to be running.

"Your father bought that to commemorate our move," her mother explained, following her gaze. "You should go ahead and set it." She turned to head downstairs, a reassuring smile on her face. "This will be good for all of us, you'll see. After all, we'll be closer to your father, and you know he misses us." May nodded, glancing at the clock on her wall, remembering the last time she'd gotten to see her father in person; it'd been months. "Well, come down when your ready," her mother said with a smile, making her way downstairs. "Oh, and you should make sure everything's there on your desk, I'd hate to think that we left it all the way back in Goldenrod!"

After setting the time and going over a few of the items on her desk, a journal, some pencils, her old Pokégear, she began wondering what she was going to take with her on her journey. Shoving the journal, pencils, and Pokégear into her bag, she was about to head downstairs when something on her bed caught her eye. Heading over to the bed and lifting up the pillow, she was met with the familiar sight of Drumsticks, her stuffed Torchic. Picking up the doll fondly, she flopped onto her bed, hugging it tight, a smile on her face.

"Oh Drumsticks," she sighed, pulling the toy close. "I hope the Torchic I meet on my journey is as nice as they say." An image of a giant Torchic, breathing fire and torching building like Godzilla popped into her head, and she hugged the doll tighter. "And hopefully won't learn any fire attacks for awhile."

After several minutes of reassuring herself that everything would be fine, May got up to head downstairs. Pausing and looking at Drumsticks thoughtfully for a moment, she shoved him into her bag, thankful that she'd actually gotten him to fit.

"Oh May, you missed it!" her mother called from in front of the TV screen. "They were doing a report at the Petalburg Gym, and your father was on!"

"Oh…" May mumbled, not sure what to say. She always looked forward to seeing her father on TV, it made her feel closer to him.

"Don't worry," Mrs. Haruka assured her, wrapping her daughter in a big hug. "I'm sure you'll get to see him soon! Your going on your very own journey, after all!"

"Oh yeah…" May muttered uncertainly, wondering if it was too late to back out. _No, I've gotta do this, or else I'll just live in fear my entire life! Besides, how much trouble could one little Torchic be? _"Yeah, I'll go ahead and head over and see Professor Birch!"

"That's wonderful!" her mother gushed, her voice overflowing with pride. "Professor Birch has a son roughly the same age as you who is looking to get his first Pokemon. Perhaps the two of you could start your journeys together?"

"Uhh…yeah," May laughed nervously, getting the sinking feeling that this was just going to get her into a bunch of Pokemon battles.

Heading outside, she briefly took the time to marvel at the flowers swaying in the breeze, the sun shinning brightly, and the birds singing in the distance. If any day was the perfect day to start a journey, this was it. But you know the funny thing about perfection, nothing is ever as perfect as it seems.

Making her way over to Professor Birch's lab, she suddenly stopped as she spotted a boy around her age in a funny looking white hat come running out of the house next door, and plow right into her.

"Oh, sorry!" he laughed sheepishly, reaching out a hand to help her up. "You ok?"

"Yeah," she sighed, brushing the dirt off her shorts. "You in a hurry or something?"

"Kinda," he admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "See, my dad's going to give me a Pokemon today and-oh wait, I didn't tell you my name!" he laughed, slapping his forehead. "Brendan Birch, nice to meet you!" He held out his hand for her to shake, which she accepted.

"May Haruka, likewise."

"Huh? So _you're _the Gym Leaders kid?" he asked, a frown on his face.

"Yeah, what about it?" she asked defensively, tired of everyone judging her based solely on her fathers occupation.

Brendan blushed, not sure what to say. "Nothing," he replied at last, shrugging. "Its just, being a Gym Leaders kid, I assumed you'd be a guy."

"What did you say?" May demanded, fist clenched.

"Nothing!" Brendan laughed, running a few steps up ahead and flashing her a teasing grin. "Come on! You don't wanna keep my dad waiting, do you?" And with that, he headed into the lab, grinning ear to ear.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself, May headed after the overly excited boy, excited and nervous at the thought of getting her very first Pokemon.

"Aw, welcome!" Professor Birch greeted, Brendan already standing nearby, looking like he had ants in his pants. "I'm sure you've been looking forward to this day for quite some time now. After all, I'm sure you can't wait to start training Pokemon like your father!"

"Yeah…" May muttered uncertainly. She'd known that Professor Birch and her father were old friends, but apparently he hadn't told him that she was _afraid _of Pokemon. That was probably for the best, honestly. She had the distinct feeling that Brendan Birch would never let her live it down if he found out, or else, torment her with creepy looking Pokemon every chance he got.

"Can we have our Pokemon now?" Brendan screamed, hopping from foot to foot like he was on fire.

Professor Birch laughed. "Of course Brendan! But, lets let May choose first. You want to be courteous to your new neighbor, don't you?"

"Fine," Brendan grumbled, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Just as long as she doesn't pick-"

"Now Brendan," Professor Birch scolded. "Lets not influence her decision." May didn't really care what Brendan thought, she knew which Pokemon she wanted, and nothing was going to change her mind of that. Before she could pick up Torchic's Pokéball, however, Professor Birch had already decided to let the Pokemon out one by one so she could see them. "First up, Treeko!" he announced, tossing a Pokéball to reveal a small green gecko Pokemon with big yellow eyes.

"Treeko!" it announced, turning its gaze on her.

"Ahhh!" May screeched, backing up several paces, causing Professor Birch to scratch his head and Brendan to snicker. Doing her best to avoid screaming, she stood there, as calm as possible, and shook her head.

"I can put him back in the Pokéball if you want," Professor Birch offered, earning another snicker from Brendan.

"N-no, that's ok!" she quickly insisted, waving her arms franticly. "Just…uh…not my thing, that's all!"

Professor Birch shrugged. "All right…how about Mudkip?" he asked, tossing a second Pokéball, revealing a small blue Pokemon with orange gills on its cheeks.

"Mud!" the Pokemon chirped, staring at her with a big smile on its face.

_This one isn't so bad, _she thought to herself. _But it's no Torchic._

Suddenly, the Mudkip got a strange glint in its eye. "Mud…KIP!" the Pokemon cried, blasting a stream of water from its mouth at May, who just barely managed to dodge the oncoming Water Gun.

"Ahhh! It-it tried to _attack _me!" she cried, backing up even farther.

Brendan Birch burst out laughing. "It just wants to play with you, May!" the boy snickered, reaching down to pet the giggling Pokemon.

"That's not playing!" she insisted, refusing to believe that she had been anything less than viciously attacked.

Professor Birch sighed. This wasn't going the way he'd hoped at all.

"Your not _afraid _of Pokemon, are you May?" Brendan asked, his tone challenging.

May's face grew red, with both embarrassment and anger. "No! Of course not!" She stomped angrily up to the last Pokéball before Professor Birch had a chance to protest, and gripped it tightly. "I've known what Pokemon I wanted all along, and I choose Torchic!" she announced, tossing the Pokéball like a pitcher in Major League Baseball.

The Pokéball hit the ground and bounced once before bursting open, light shooting out from inside and reforming itself into a shape. As the light cleared, everyone's jaw dropped. There on the floor sat a teenage boy with long red hair that flowed down passed his shoulders, his large blue eyes shinning with curiosity and confusion. He wore only a pair of orange and yellow shorts, the pattern clearly designed to resemble flames. He looked over at May, his eyes brightening and a smile quickly finding its way to his face.

May stood there holding the Pokéball, mouth open in shock and disbelief before she finally found herself able to speak again. "_Torchic?"_

"Torchic Torchic!" the boy exclaimed, dashing over to May and proceeding to nuzzle her shoulder.

"Uh…Professor? I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's not a Torchic!" May muttered, more than a little uncomfortable by the presence of this strange boy nuzzling her so affectionately.

Professor Birch scratched his head, more than a little confused. "Uhh…well…um…now hold on a second, I _know _there was a Torchic in there this morning!" he protested, growing frustrated.

"Was it a _male_ Torchic?" Brendan asked, eyeing the strange sight before him with an equally confused expression.

"Well, yes, but…that's not…Huh," he finally said, not sure what else to do.

The boy, meanwhile, continued to nuzzle May's shoulder, as if this exchange didn't concern him in the least.

May was, needless to say, FREAKED. This certainly wasn't what a Torchic was _supposed _to look like, yet he _had_ come out of a Pokéball…

"T-Torchic?" she asked warily, afraid of what the boy's response would be.

"Tor?" he asked, looking over at her, curiosity brimming in his eyes.

"Uhh…are you _really _a Torchic?" she asked, taking a cautious step back from him.

"Torchic," he replied, looking confused and saddened by her question. "Torchic Tor-Chic?" he paused, as if something had occurred to him for the first time. He glanced at May, as if not believing what he was seeing, then, slowly reached his hands up and felt the top of his head, hands trailing down the strands of red hair as he brought them to his face, eyes going wide. He glanced down at his body, felt his face, wiggled his fingers experimentally, all the while his eyes growing wider. "Torchiiiiiiiiiiic!" he cried out, running around the room like a chicken with its head cut off, clearly in a state of total panic.

"Oh, hey! Calm down! Please—wait, no don't-ah, not the Professor's computer!" May sighed, watching the clearly very freaked out Torchic boy dash around the room, bumping into and knocking over everything in his path. "Ah! Return!" she called out, pointing the Pokéball at him.

A red beam of light shot out from the button in the center of the Pokéball, hitting the boy and converting his body into a mass of red energy before withdrawing him inside. May stared at the Pokéball in her hands in disbelief, unable to believe that that had actually worked.

"Uh…Dad? What was that?" Brendan asked, a confused frown on his face.

"Um…I'm not sure," Professor Birch replied, glancing over at the Pokéball in May's hands.

"A Torchic…I think," May replied uncertainly, wondering what she'd just got herself caught up in. "Here, maybe you should…" she began, holding out the Pokéball towards Professor Birch, who shook his head and refused to take it.

"I'm afraid we have a slight problem," he sighed, a deep frown on his face. "Do you recall what you said when you sent out…err…Torchic?"

"Uh…'I choose Torchic?'" she asked, not really catching his meaning.

"_Exactly_. I _choose _Torchic. Meaning that, due to your word choice, that Pokéball is officially registered to you."

"_What?!" _May asked, nearly dropping the Pokéball in shock.

"I'm afraid so," Professor Birch sighed, staring at the Pokéball with a frown on his face. "Until we can get this fixed, you are the Trainer of…uh…Torchic."

"Nice going May!" Brendan laughed, causing the girls face to turn red.

"Well its not like I knew that a teenage boy was gonna pop out!" May protested, waving her arms defensively. Suddenly a glimmer of hope appeared in her eyes. "I know! It just must've been a…a…Pokéball error! Yeah! It misread the information and…uh…didn't reassemble the Pokemon correctly! I'm sure it's corrected itself by now! Go, Torchic!"

"Tor?" the boy asked, as he once again materialized before the group, causing May's face to fall.

"Ok, maybe not," she sighed, returning "Torchic" to his Pokéball once more.

"I think the best thing to do would be to visit the Pokemon Center in Oldale Town. I'm sure Nurse Joy will be able to tell us what's going on," Professor Birch suggested. Turning to May, he asked, "Would your mother mind if you came with us?"

"If it's about me getting my Pokemon, I don't think so," May replied, pulling out her Pokégear. "But, just to be sure, I think I'll give her a call first."

"Good, and lets keep that Torchic, if it _is_ a Torchic, in its Pokéball until we know what's wrong with it," Professor Birch instructed, making his way to the door.

"But Dad, what about my Pokemon?" Brendan asked, sounding very disappointed.

"I'm sorry Brendan, but until this resolves, neither of you can have a starting Pokemon. Now, grab the starters, and lets hope that this can be sorted out quickly."

Brendan frowned, but returned the Mudkip and Treeko to their Pokéballs, slipping them into his backpack.

As May heard her mothers voice on the other end of the Pokégear, she had to wonder how in the world she had gotten herself into this mess.

* * *

><p>May stared thoughtfully at the Pokéball in her hands as she walked towards Oldale Town with Professor Birch and Brendan, wondering how everything had gone so terribly wrong.<p>

_Professor Birch MUST have seen the Torchic before hand, _she reasoned, a frown on her face. _How in the world does a Torchic turn into a teenage boy in a matter of hours-oh, forget that! How does a Torchic turn into a teenage boy AT ALL? _She sighed, feeling downright hopeless, before feeling a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry May," Brendan assured her, a big smile on his face. "Dad knows all about Pokemon! Between him and Nurse Joy, they'll find out what's going on!"

May offered him a small smile of her own, one far less confident. "Thanks Brendan." She looked down at the Pokéball in her hands and groaned. "All I wanted was one little Torchic!"

"That works out then," Brendan offered, a mischievous grin on his face. "I wanted Mudkip, meaning once we get this figured out, I'll get to cream you whenever we battle!" At this he burst out laughing and struck some sort of pose.

"Ha ha, very funny!" May sarcastically replied, elbowing him in the stomach and nearly knocking the wind out of him. "The way it is now, my Torchic could drop kick your Mudkip across the room!"

"Please, like it could even use any attacks the way it is now," Brendan snickered, causing May's eyes to flash with anger.

"And how do you know that he couldn't?" May challenged, tightening her grip on the Pokéball in her hand.

Brendan Birch grinned, looking triumphant. "Even if he can, the Pokemon League wont allow you to battle with a human Pokemon. You wont be able to challenge any gyms!"

May blinked, terror beginning to well up inside of her. Were people really expecting her to challenge gyms? _Stupid question, of course they are,_ she realized, making her wish she'd just told everyone how she really felt a long time ago.

"What, you thought they would?" Brendan asked, looking shocked.

"No, of course not!" May snapped, angry that anyone could believe she'd be that stupid. "Its just…gyms are a big deal…"

Brendan's expression softened, and he put his arm comfortingly around her. "It'll be ok, you'll see. Gym battles are nothing like they say on TV."

"Really?" May asked, her eyes glowing with hope.

"Of course," he replied with a wave of his hand. "They're so much cooler! A Gym Leader has to stay at their gym most of the time! You'll get to see all kinds of places and Pokemon! Some even big enough to swallow you in one bite if they felt like it!" Brendan explained, taking a fighting stance and letting off several roars in imitation of some sort of Pokemon, waving his arms to resemble gnashing teeth.

May felt like she was going to faint. "R-really?"

"Yeah, and…" he paused, noticing her terrified expression. "…and there are some cute little ones too! Ones no bigger and no more harmful than a kitten!"

"Oh, shut up!" May snapped, about ready to punch Brendan Birch in the face. Just because she was a girl didn't mean she only liked tiny cute Pokemon…ok, she _did_ only like a tiny cute Pokemon, Torchic specifically, but he didn't have to say it like _that_! With an irritated huff, May quickened her pace, leaving the boy in the funny hat a few paces behind her.

"Hey wait!" he called out, breaking into a jog and quickly closing the distance between them. He turned to her, a confused expression on his face. "Haven't you ever seen a gym battle before May?"

"No, I haven't," she snapped, attempting to walk away, only for him to follow right on her heels.

"But your dads the Gym Leader! Didn't he ever-"

"No, we _just _moved here, _remember_? I never-"

"I meant on _TV_," he explained, an evil grin on his face. "What's the matter May? Daddy's gym battles too scary for you?"

"SHUT UP!" she snapped, shoving him away and knocking him on his butt, where he stared up at her, looking shocked that a girl had pushed him over. "They don't broadcast the gym matches anyway, only hold interviews with the Gym Leader!"

"Oh…" Brendan muttered, not sure whether to apologize or make some other snide remark. _It was just a joke! Can't she lighten up? _he wondered, following a slight distance behind May and a very flustered looking Professor Birch.

_Looks like they'll either be the best of friends, or the worst of enemies, _he thought with a sigh, not noticing the sleeping Zigzagoon by the roadside.

"ZIGZAG!" the Pokemon cried, leaping into the air before landing and curling its tail around itself, an angry glint in its eye.

"Oops! Sorry Zigzagoon!" Professor Birch laughed, taking a step towards the Pokemon to check on its well-being, who let out a growl in response.

The Pokémon's fur bristled, its body hunched over as if ready to attack. "Zigoon…"

"Look, I didn't mean anything by it!" Brendan was desperately trying to explain to a very angry May, who was clearly trying to ignore him. "It was just a joke, I was kid-"

"AHHHH!"

May and Brendan turned around, then began to snicker. Professor Birch was currently being chased all over kingdom come, screaming in terror. The attacker? A tiny raccoon only about a foot tall.

"H-help me! Help me-OWCH!" he cried, as the Pokemon bit his backside.

"I'll handle this!" Brendan laughed, rummaging through his bag and picking up the first Pokéball he got his hands on.

"Treeko!" the Pokemon announced as it materialized from its ball, before moving into a fighting stance.

This attracted the Zigzagoon's attention and it finally stopped chasing Professor Birch, its ears flicking angrily, signaling that it was already aggravated. "Zigoon…" it growled, fur bristling out, eyes turning towards Treeko with a glare.

"Use Quick Attack!" Brendan instructed, motioning towards the now growling raccoon Pokemon.

Treeko rushed forward at blinding speed, eager to get the battle started. He collided with Zigzagoon, sending it skidding back slightly, before immediately following with a Pound attack from his tail. The raccoon stumbled, before attempting to launch a Tackle attack, which Treeko was able to dodge with ease.

"Absorb!"

Treeko's body glowed green briefly, as did the Zigzagoon's, before green orbs began to fly from it and into Treeko, sucking away the raccoon's energy. The Zigzagoon stumbled, then fell unsteadily to three legs, barely supporting itself and glaring furiously at the gecko.

"Finnish it with Quick Attack!" Brendan commanded, looking thrilled to be having a real Pokemon battle, even if it was only against a wild Zigzagoon.

Treeko shot forward like a rocket, where it hit the tiny Pokemon head on, sending it flying into the air before crashing into the ground below.

"Uh…that might've been a little much," Brendan muttered, watching the now motionless Zigzagoon lying there. Concerned, he approached the Pokemon and began poking at it with his finger. "Hey little buddy, you ok?"

Realizing that its possum act wasn't going to get it anywhere, the Zigzagoon promptly sprang to life, bit Brendan on the nose, and ran off, causing May to burst into a fit of laughter.

Meanwhile, something was happening with the Treeko. Its body began to glow with a white light, before it began to reshape itself into a new form. When the light cleared, a large green gecko with leaves growing out of its body stood in front of the group, looking eager for another battle.

"Grovyle!" it cried out, tossing its arms in the air in triumph.

"Uh-oh," Brendan muttered, realizing what he had done. He'd just inadvertently caused the Treeko to evolve into Grovyle, meaning that it couldn't possibly be used as a starter for beginning Trainers. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sooorrrreeee!" the boy cried, grabbing onto his fathers legs, who looked to be debating whether or not to kick the boy off.

"Its ok, Brendan," Professor Birch sighed, dragging an extremely apologetic Brendan along with every step he took, the boy still refusing to let go. "This'll all work out if we just GET…TO…THE POKEMON…CENTER…" he grunted, still trying to walk with his son attached to his legs.

With a sigh, May proceeded to grab the nutcase by the ear and drag him off of his very overwhelmed father, causing the boy to squeal in protest. May sighed. Couldn't they just get to Oldale Town and fix this mess? Unfortunately, things seemed to be getting worse by the minute.


End file.
